The biggest jerks of the summer

From Marcus Bachmann calling homosexuals barbarians, to Capcom cancelling the long-awaited Megaman Legends 3 and blaming the fans, this summer has seen some jerky behavior.

But some have reached unprecedented heights of jerkiness over the past months. They've been such unforgivable jerks that The Gateway can't let summer end without calling them out.

Texas governor Rick Perry is a jerk, with presidential ambitions. He led a prayer rally on August 6 that wasn't a presidential campaign kickoff, no sir. Perry brought in evangelicals leaders from all over the country to pray for the US, because prayer is central to sound governance. Perry is a small-c fiscal and social conservative who frequently calls for tax reform, cutting Texas' tax revenue by $15.7 billion. Texas requires, by law, that it post a balanced budget. It also had $6.6 billion budget shortfall in 2010. Perry, who campaigned on property tax reduction, requisitioned funds from the federal government.

Now that the federal government is broke, Perry is cutting spending instead of raising taxes to meet that balanced budget requirement. Consequently, the budgets for Medicaid, schools, and social services are being slashed. Bad news for Texans, but why should anyone else care? Perry has growing popular support, thanks to his socially conservative policies—opposition to gay marriage and abortion rights, and an evident unwillingness to keep the church out of his statesmanship—and he wants to be President.

With his current track record, that doesn't bode well for the country, or anyone connected to the US—i.e., everyone.

Not to linger on US politics, but I'm going to have to call out the Democrats as the biggest jerks of the summer. Again and again they've bent over backwards to show that they're utterly spineless. They were elected by people who don't want Republicans running amok in Washington, and are doing everything they can to allow the GOP to get what it wants. Canadians often criticize the two-party nature of US politics, but it's becoming disturbingly one-party disturbingly fast.

The apparent debt crisis put this on display in stellar form. The US debt ceiling has been raised in the past so many times you'd think it was a completely arbitrary number that the US didn't want to exceed. The Democrats wanted tax increases along with spending cuts; the Republicans just wanted spending cuts. Despite controlling the senate and the presidency, the Democrats rolled over and gave the Republicans exactly what they wanted. So, way to go accomplishing nothing good despite holding power, Democrats. You jerks.

One of the biggest annual summer news stories is the championship round of the NHL season, where the imagination of thousands of fans are captured as they watch with baited breath to see who will walk away with the Stanley Cup. What gave the story legs this year wasn't the final itself, but instead a story that transcended sports: the Vancouver riot that followed the city's beloved Canucks failing to win the Cup.

One incredibly large and ridiculous temper tantrum was let out by a city as a whole as Vancouverites lit fires, flipped cars, looted and caused an overall dangerous ruckus. Pointing a finger at the biggest jerk of the 2011 summer, then, is an easy decision to make. The root cause of the incident should be unearthed and held responsible for costing the city of Vancouver a great deal of money and endangering many innocent Vancouverites. That root cause, and the biggest collective jerk of the summer, is the Boston Bruins. The whole team.

The Bruins selfishly put their own desires ahead of the safety of Vancouver, as they had the audacity to defeat an obviously more deserving Canucks team in the Stanley Cup finals. Refusing to spread the wealth, they denied the Canucks their first win of the Cup, and — incredibly — they didn't even stop to think how that would affect Vancouver residents after the series ended.

If only the Bruins had thought about the damage that'd be done to Vancouver with a Canucks loss in the Stanley Cup final. If only they'd had the decency to consider the embarrassment and shame Vancouver, and Canada, would feel after such a riot. But no, the Bruins never had the decency to consider how their victory would affect anyone but themselves, and for these terrible and selfish actions, the Bruins should be seen as the inconsiderate jerks they are.

When I was asked to write a piece about the biggest jerks of this summer, I drew a blank.

Sure, there were politicians that screwed up and brought the entire global economy to the verge of another great depression. And there were some journalists who made international headlines for breaching professional ethics.

Jerk is a harsh word, but I can only point the finger at myself:

a) I refuse to recycle. In fact I've started to heat my home with a tire fire in my basement. While the fumes may be hazardous to my health, it's worth it because I know it's even more harmful to mother earth. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you dirty hippies.

b) Just last week I literally stole candy from an infant. Her tears made me laugh.

c) Hey Ryan. You know that girl you were desperately in love with a couple weeks ago? The one that doesn't return your phone calls anymore. Yeah, I may have told her that you have raging STIs.

d) I started all of the riots. I sent all the dick pics.